Jokes For Ellen DeGeneres At The Oscars

[nas78]

2 years ago Billy Crystal didn`t use any of my or Arnzilla`s great jokes.
And what we got was a bunch of lame, half-baked, boring jokes.
I hope Ellen (Tina and Amy too) this year will be smarter than that and steal from us.

So here we go...

1. This year we have 2 Martin Scorsese nominated films. TWOWS and American Hustle.
2. TWOWS is full of pills, coke and hookers. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.
3. We saw a real story this year about a vulgar, crack-smoking, wife-cheating, hookers-banging, reckless man. But enough about Rob Ford.
4. Rob Ford after seeing TWOWS asked Jonah Hill to play him in a movie.
5. TWOWS featured tons of cocaine being snorted. Or as Marty calls it, 1977.
6. TWOWS had more snow than Winter Storm Hercules.
7. TWOWS featured more pussy than the kitten national pageant.
8. Leo plays Jordan Belfort. Have u seen Jordan Belfort? It`s like Charlize Theron playing me.
9. Rob Reiner plays Leo`s dad in TWOWS. Clearly they weren`t aiming in realism there.
10.Leo had more sex in TWOWS, than James Deen had all year.

More to come...

[arnzilla]

Thanks, Nas. A few quickies...

1. There were enough Quaaludes in TWOWS for Roman Polanski to rape the entire third grade.
2. There were more straws used in TWOWS than McDonald's on a Sunday afternoon.
3. When Harvey Weinstein saw Leo having sex on a pile of cash in TWOWS, he said "been there, done that." He was alone at the time, but Mr. Weinstein stands by the comparison.
4. There were more asses in TWOWS than in the MPAA.

[joshuatree]

LOL - they're all hilarious but my personal favorite is Nas' #1.

[nas78]

Arnz your 4th one is your best.

5 More


11. Harvey Weinstein when he watched TWOWS asked permission from Marty to cut 1 hour of it for free.
12. The amount of cocaine snorted in TWOWS is worth more than Colombia`s annual GDP.
13. There were more naked hookers in TWOWS than in Berlusconi`s Bunga Bunga parties.
14. Mickey Rooney is here with us tonight. 93 years old. We didn`t let him watch TWOWS. Otherwise he wouldn`t be with us anymore.
15. Marty didn`t allow his little daughter Francesca to watch TWOWS, because he thought she would be traumatised of seeing Jonah Hill eating a goldfish.

[will]

nas,
your no.11 and no.15

[arnzilla]

5. It's hard to tell what's more disgusting in TWOWS:
Jonah Hill's exposed member, Leonardo DiCaprio giving himself an enema, Jonah Hill puking, Leonardo DiCaprio puking, or the entire cast puking at Jonah Hill's exposed member.
6. Which is the oddest product tie-in for TWOWS:
-Coke, it's the real thing.
-Crack, you can smoke it or stick a candle in it.
-Bush, people hated it in the 90s, too.
7. The term "bald as a billiard ball" has been replaced with "bald as Margot Robbie's beaver."
8. Speaking of TWOWS, Quaaludes were popular in Hollywood in the 80s, too. How else would you explain "Ishtar."
9. Misogyny, prostitution rings, spousal abuse, and drug abuse. "Saving Mr. Banks" is at the apex of a Hollywood controversy.
10. Creative accounting. No, I'm not talking about TWOWS, I'm talking about the movie studios.

[nas78]

5 More Jokes For Ellen...

16. There were more blowjobs performed in TWOWS than in a Hollywood`s studio casting couch.
17. There are more beavers in TWOWS than in all North America.
18. TWOWS was full of sex, booze and drugs. Or as Hollywood calls it, Monday.
19. TWOWS had great impact in our home. Portia doesn`t like to wear any panties anymore. Not that i`m complaining.
20. There`s a 45-minute shorter cut of TWOWS showing in the Gulf States. Harvey Weistein has denied any involvement in that.

[nas78]

5 More Jokes (What can i say. This film really inspires me. )

21. There are 506 F-Bombs in the TWOWS. That`s about 50 less than in a Harvey Weinstein`s 1 working day.
22. America has not seen so many office blowjobs, since Bill Clinton was President.
23. Leo had more sex with hookers in TWOWS, than Eliot Spitzer had in his heyday.
24. There`s more sucking dick in TWOWS, than in Hollywood in Awards season.
25. Lars Von Trier watched TWOWS too. And then he called it a Disney movie.

[nas78]

26. Nominated tonight for Best Supporting Role, Jonah Hill`s teeth.
27. True fact: Jonah Hill nicknamed his prosthetic penis in TWOWS, ''The Fassbender''. For some reason.
28. Jonah, Mark Wahlberg called. He said he wants his prosthetic penis back.
29. Leo and Jonah are nominated tonight. They also nominated for an AVN Award, for Best Three-way Of The Year.
30. In TWOWS we saw Jonah Hill exposing himself in public. Or as Anthony Weiner calls it, ''My Hobby''.

[arnzilla]

26 sounds like a Fallon joke.
27 sounds like a Letterman joke.
28 sounds like a Conan joke.
29 sounds like a Kimmel joke.
30 sounds like a Leno joke.

27 is also one of my faves.

[arnzilla]

11. Jonah Hill has two Oscar nominations. Benny Hill has none. My conclusion? Benny Hill wasn't in any good movies, you idiots.

12. I see we have a few "Pink Sheets" in the audience tonight. You know who you are... Hi Glenn. Awwww, c'mon! I was referring to Scott Glenn, you misogynistic pigs.

13. Some of you may know that American Hustle's original title was American Bullshit... like the snubbing of Thelma Schoonmaker.

14. The original title of TWOWS was Inside Jordan Belfort. The candle got top billing.

15. Her's sex scene takes place completely over a black screen. TWOWS's sex scenes take place completely over Hope Holiday's head.

[arnzilla]

[arnzilla]

Nas, we missed the most obvious one! Jonah showed Ellen something in TWOWS that she'd never seen before.

[nas78]

Arnz the joke wasn`t clear for me. It confused me.
Ellen said that Jonah showed her something she hasn`t seen for a very long time.
What was that exactly?

1, A dick? (In general)
2. Jonah`s dick? (Specifically)
3. A dildo? (That`s what actually Jonah showed her)

I may over-thinking it, but if a joke isn`t clear, it`s not funny to me.

[arnzilla]

#1. If memory serves me, she started to explain why, then trailed off.